[RANT]: Why every hipster is nothing more than a hypocrite.

From the time we gain the ability to unclench our fists and drag our barely functional bodies across our parent’s living room carpets, we are bombarded with different types of media and told that we should like it.

Everything from the high-pitched squeals of songs like “The Wheels On The Bus” to the borderline acid-trip that is children’s television (yes I’m looking at you Nanalan’), perfectly exemplifies the point in which I am trying to make – that none of us have ever made an entirely unique, uninfluenced choice when it comes to popular culture. And yes, this even applies to all you so-called hipsters out there.

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Seriously though, who created this nightmare?

Nothing infuriates me more than when someone responds to the question of “So what do you listen to?” with “Oh you know, a little bit of everything.”

Um, sorry, but if that’s the case, then why can’t you tell me who your favourite gospel-polka group is? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Nobody listens to everything because, firstly, nobody has the time, and secondly, human beings only listen to things that they think will make them appear a certain way.

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My favourite gospel-polka group, by far. 

The day that we all accept the fact that, despite liking different bands, artists or genres, we’re all basically just sucking at the teat of the music industry, we’ll all be a lot happier. And yes, this most definitely includes the groups that wear scarves in mid-August or those kooky bands whose names looks like someone just got frustrated during the brainstorming process, punched their keyboard and decided to go with whatever resulted onscreen.

And trust me, I’m not sitting here on my high horse looking down at you people as lesser-listenr’s (omg he said the name of the site!). I full-heartedly group myself among the people at which I am unfairly judging, and I can prove it with examples:

  • When I was in high school I started wearing flannels and grew my sideburns out because I wanted to look like Neil Young in The Last Waltz.
  • On more than one occasion I’ve pretended to know who a band was, or responded with “Oh I think I’ve heard of them” even though I clearly didn’t.
  • I really, really, REALLY like the music of Tom Jones and would gladly discuss it with anyone willing to listen, yet if it ever popped up on my iPod while hanging out with some friends I’d probably have a panic attack and pass out.

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See? Despite the fact that I pretend to know more about music and popular culture than most, I’m just as easily influenced as the rest of the world. Why can’t we just accept the fact that music is nothing more than a collection of sounds that some people like, and some people don’t? How can we say that one collection of sounds is better than another?

I mean, technically no bands are shittier than others – just ones that we’d prefer not to listen to. And that is exactly why any hipster who tries to tell you that their favourite band is better than yours is a hypocrite.

Unless your favourite band or artist is Nickelback, Phil Collins, The Eagles, Drake, Radiohead, Kanye West, The Tragically Hip, Toby Keith, Eddie Money, Hedley, Michael Bublé, Taylor Swift, DeadMau5, U2, Maroon 5, John Mayer, Billy Joel, Mumford & Sons or Beyoncé – they’re all actually pretty shitty.

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